Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

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  • It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    Thank you Jesus, hallelujah, praise be and pass the whiskey. I stepped outside this morning and it was only 90 degrees and 52% humidity. That folks, is FALL in Texas!

    I pranced down my driveway with a lil’ bounce in my step and headed to the trailhead for my morning walk. This beat the hell outta 102 degrees and 95% humidity anyday. July In Houston is not for the faint of heart. You can’t walk to the mailbox without sweating through your panties. So today…is a TREAT of sizable measure. My three mile walk has become my time to get away from the media, the election, the spam calls and the boredom of being unemployed during the pandemic. I have learned to tune out and tune in. At first the silence is astounding, but as I turn up one curve and round the bend to another I begin to discern the sights and sounds around me. I hear the low hum of a distant highway, a squirrel barking at me as I pass under his tree and different birds calling from here and there. I smell the orange pine needles that have fallen all over the path and I am aware to watch my step cause you can slip right on your ass if you aren’t careful. And there is nothing worse than road rash and sweaty panties. Today I walked right into the familiar “herbal” aroma just lit on the back porch of a half million dollar home that backs up to the trial. I giggled to myself and thought – YOU DO YOU MAN!

    Stepping back from the “world” gives me a chance to embrace the earth and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. As political pundits from both parties scream to the heavens that the sky is falling the fact remains, the sky knows it’s place. Mother Nature makes adjustments day in and day out without our input. Seasons come and go, each with it’s own beauty and challanges and so do my days. So…I walk, I work in my yard, I clean my garage, I file a new payment request from unemployment. I participate in virtual meetings with my industry peers, I take college classes online and I wash my fair share of sweat drenched panties. Yep! Life is GOOD!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Diving in Naked

    Diving in Naked

    It was early morning on Padre Island and I had already decided to get on the road and make the 6 hour drive home to Houston after ringing in the New Year with one of my oldest and dearest friends on South Padre Island. The weather had not been our best friend this trip, high winds, cold temperatures and rainy skies had kept us from venturing out too much. The low hanging clouds had engulfed the island in a blanket of gray with only brief moments of sun light streaking through every now and again. In retrospect, it was a blanket I needed. It comforted me in familiarity with my kindred soul, a sister from another mister as they say. A sister of choice who I shared my mother with. We went to church on Sunday at Chapel by the Sea. Kim sang out all the hymns I didn’t know as I remained quietly standing beside her. I translated the preachers words almost instantaneously in my mind as my perceptions and understandings of the scriptures he read and stories he told didn’t quite mirror my own beliefs but at the core still resonated.

    Afterwards we brunched with ladies of the isle 30 and even 40 years our seniors and I was amazed at their combined history and journeys as they sipped mimosas and devoured sugar dusted donut balls. Over the next few days we shopped, napped, read books, solved the worlds woes and fed each others spirit with gentle nudges of truth and observations. I was in a safe harbor to laugh, cry, explore or to do nothing more than be if that was what I needed.

    Several years back we had spread my mother’s ashes on the north end of the National Seashore. We hadn’t gone out there this trip and it seemed odd to not go and pay some sort of homage but it just never happened with the rain and cold. I was just resigned to it I think.

    And then my friend asked me as we sat perched high over the gulf of Mexico from our “Ivory Tower” , watching the gray waves wash in and spotting a few bundled up beach combers searching the sand for treasures, “Are you sure you don’t want to go see Wanda?”. It was like one of those brief breaks in the clouds where the sun comes shining thru, if only for a moment, like a spotlight on center stage. I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to do. Not for Wanda, but for me. I had spoken about it briefly a few days before. The need for a cleansing, a chance to wash off the previous year and start anew. A clean slate for the new year ahead.

    I grabbed a few beach towels and still in my Vera Wang PJ’s we headed to the north shore. The wind was howling and you could feel the gusts push the jeep from side to side every now and again as we traveled down the main highway. We reached the beach entrance, sand dunes piled high on either side. The sand was wet and deep but no real challenge for a jeep. I rolled down my window and breathed in heavy doses of chilled salt air. We passed a few fishermen who where stubborn enough to brave the cold and rough surf in the hope of catching a few silvery pompano. Two heron stood watch as if they had a vested interest in the fisherman’s success and it made me smile.

    We drove further up the beach until we saw the spot we loving call “Wanda’s Beach”. The tide was coming in and there we were. There was a frothy foam on the top of the water from the constant battering of waves. I laughed to myself and said a silent thank you to Wanda for the soap! A prayer of protection and a silent meditation and then I stepped from the jeep and began to disrobe. The sand was cold on my feet, the wind bit at every bump and bulge and yet I continued to undress. Here I was, rapidly approaching my 56th birthday, 225 lbs of insecurity and a slight fear of water, marching into the waves. I didn’t run or plunge but with a steadfast purpose walked into the ocean. Letting it take me one step at a time, one wave at a time to a new year. Not a new me but a truer me. Not as scared, not as insecure, not as mournful for the loss of my mother who was my best friend in the world. The waves were rolling in. One minute waste deep the next up to my neck and floating, my feet swept up off the sandy floor but still capable of moving forward.

    That’s the choice….to move forward. A wave lapped over my head and I knew, forward can be many things. I embraced the waves and now it was time to embrace the chilling air. I turned and made my way back to shore just as slowly and deliberately as I had walked in. And there, on the shore, was my soul sister to welcome me, wrap me in her blanket and arms and share the moment. My heart was beating through my chest and I gasped for air as I clung to her. I never felt warmer or more alive.

    This was why I was here. To acknowledge that feeling of vulnerability and insecurity you are left with when orphaned on earth with the lose of a parent. To finally take all the things they had taught you and instilled in you and use them on a daily basis without their prodding.

    I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am brave. I am kind. I am that I am. And so my sweet, are you.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright Juliana Wathen 2019

  • The Sane Centrist

    The Sane Centrist

    I’m sick to death of turning on the TV and hearing “Lunatic Left” and “Radical Right”! WTF people??

    In the 90’s “SHOCK JOCKS” like Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh ruled the airways and I didn’t like it – even then! Radio was a major source of alternative news and driven by opinion – not facts. Soon enough – the shock wasn’t enough. Radio gave way to the rise of social media where the reach was even greater. Everyone had the opportunity to become the next Howard or Rush. And here we sit with our head in our hands. Bannon, Jones and Carlson scream ‘WE ARE AT WAR!!!” at the top of their lungs as a widow cries over her dead husband. If you think for a moment this is not performative then I beg to differ.

    “HATE-ERTAINMENT”, is the law of the land now, where the loudest and most outrageous opinions garner the most “likes”, hits and views. The goal is to go VIRAL so that they can monitize the posts. It is a money grab. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! And the thing that really pisses me off – these folks may not even believe all the crap that is coming out of their mouths. Because deep down just like the charlatan TV evangelists who preach out the sides of their mouths while rolling in lies, lust and libations they are raking in millions and laughing all the way to the bank.

    Being a SANE Centrist doesn’t get the news cameras out. It doesn’t get you mentioned in the papers or rack up views on Tic-Tok and it certainly won’t get you elected to public office. Being level headed, a good communicator, or knowing that compromise is what keeps the peace just isn’t that interesting anymore. Politics isn’t about putting the brightest in office for the good of the people is performative finger pointing! If they can get you to believe that the other guy is out to get you then they win! The more fear and uncertainty they can stir up the more money they make. The more money they make, the more money they want. And suddenly, the mentally ill, the less educated or the easily swayed pick up a gun and kill someone thinking they have silenced a movement, administered justice or did “what everyone else was thinking” and a family losses a daughter and son- in -law or a young wife losses her husband and father to her children.

    When will the vast majority of the country that sits in the middle of the “Lunatic Left”and the “Radical Right” stand up and be counted.

    When will the middle ground be the high ground again?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

  • The Power of Belief

    The Power of Belief

    No, I’m not about to get all preachy on you today because let’s be honest, I haven’t chatted with you in a while. I’m here today to point out something I need to practice more in my own life. So sit back and relax while I have a chat with myself in front of the mirror this morning with my coffee in my favorite cup.

    You see, I BELIEVE that my beliefs directly influence who I am and what I manifest in my life. There is significant POWER in the mindset that shapes my reality. I believe that it shapes yours as well.

    So if you BELIEVE that you are unworthy, unloved, lonely, can’t get ahead, can’t catch a break or can’t trust then you have solidified your own self-fulfilling prophecy of just that thing that you say you want to get away from. You manifest and create your reality where all those things are true. Because you see, if you BELIEVE something strongly enough, you are more likely to ACT in ways that bring that belief to fruition.

    By actively cultivating positive beliefs about yourself and your situation in life you are more likely to ACT in a way that attracts positive outcomes in your life.

    If you BELIEVE you are capable of achieving a goal, you are more likely to put in the effort and work needed to reach it, thus “becoming” someone who achieves that goal.

    So as you believe, so you become.  BE that which you want to see in the world.

    Now more than ever, be the love, the inspiration, the safe harbor, the mentor, the student and the teacher, the passion, the energy. BE-LIEVE that all you require, you already are and already have. Because you ARE worthy, you ARE loved, you ARE surrounded by people that see the BEST of you.

    BELIEVE THEM!

    I love each and every one of you!

    Juliana

  • Notes from the Harp

    Notes from the Harp

    Captains log: January 18, 2022

    It has taken me 18 days to settle into this new year. Not exactly a record but worth making note of.

    I have newly turned 59 years old. My cholesteral is finally too high for my doctor’s liking and so I join the ranks of other genteel statin-heads my age adding one more pill to the evening routine. This too shall pass, my mother would say, if you let it.

    If I let it…

    Here I sit at my “home” office, tastefully laid out in my living room. Strategically positioned between the back sliding glass door with a view of the backyard on my right and the open kitchen to my left. I’ve fed all the animals this morning including the feral cats at their respective doors. One prefers the kitchen window which we have deemed the “drive-through” service. I leave the glass door and kitchen window open just a crack for a light cross breeze.

    I settle into my desk and a hot mug of morning coffee. I lay before me my parcel of meds and vitamins. I scroll through my business emails and try to focus on the day ahead. Focus is fleeting. I ask Alexa to play music to study by, cause I’m just not ready for “Today’s Top Hits”. The softest strains of a harp begin to play. Gentle fingers on strings popping and strumming along. A violin whispers its way into the tune and then the full symphony. Not just from Alexa but all around me. I hear a chorus of singing birds with the Egyptian Geese from the neighboring golf course honking in perfect time. The trills of the songbirds and then the rustle of dry leaves on the driveway all create this incredible musical moment in time.

    This too shall pass, if I let it. So I embrace the moment and drink in the music of the day with a ravenous thirst.

    Yes, Momma, I hear your voice. No use crying over spilt milk. Take the pill for now and make better choices today. Eat better, exercise more, and listen to the music.

    I got it from here momma.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • Self-Care?

    Self-Care?

    You hear the words “self-care” and visions of day spas, bottomless mimosas, and naps by the pool fly before your mind’s eye like a sizzle reel on youtube. You never think about the un-fun side of self-care. But alas, here I sit in my pj’s in my “home” office making that dreaded call to the ….Dentist.

    I have no choice, there is never a GOOD TIME to go for an, oh my God, I’m losing my mind, root canal. Only less offensive, less disruptive, can’t take it any longer kinda time. Today is that day. And luckily they can see to it this afternoon. And it’s a good thing. I dive into my last semester of college tomorrow (which I took on during covid for -something to do.) 17hrs of college education stand between a classicly framed diploma hanging on the office wall and this 59-year-old business owning, corporate meeting planner, community volunteer, and overall fabulous Auntie.

    So, have you ever noticed that when you take the time to schedule some of that ever so popular buzz word “self-care”, that you all but have to convince yourself you deserve it? How many times have you had a sparring match with yourself over scheduling that massage or adding an enhanced service, upgrade or extra lil’ som-some to that day out and felt a twinge of guilt for doing it? Ooohhh, and God forbid someone else see you do it. All the justifications come pouring out like sins at a confessional. Oh gurl! I have been working none stop. I earned this!!! You should have seen what I have been dealing with this last month at work…at home…in my head. Sugar, you would have caved in long along – so yes, I’m having a lil’ treat…. Nothing extravagant…. Just a little something to keep me from ending up on the evening news.

    We profess the benefits of self-care on all the magazine covers, talk shows, and podcasts, and blogs but every good Southern girl still feels a bit guilty taking that time for herself.

    But by God, give me a good ole toothache and I’ll put off that self-care as long as I possibly can!

    Self-care is not all fluff and pleasantries. It can be getting your boob smashed in a vice grip contraption that only a man would have devised. Lord knows if they had to have their penis placed between two cold plates and squeeeeeeeeeeezed, they would have invented something else real quick. Self-care can be getting a flu shot, an annual exam, a new set of tires, a pair of real glasses instead of a 12 pack of Walmart readers and yes, sometimes it means a trip to the dentist for a root canal.

    This too shall pass. It’s just a choice to be made and a step in the right direction to make all the following days that much easier to manage.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • One Choice, One Step

    One Choice, One Step

    The year is new but that doesn’t mean we can just amend old habits with a spoken wish and a written resolution…OR IS IT?

    We have been conditioned to believe that change is hard, that the struggle is real, and that it is in the difficulty that resides the prize. I respectfully disagree.

    Change is on choice. It is one step away at any given point in your life. The opportunity is omnipresent.

    What must be at the top of my list of choices is self-care. Not because I am selfish…but because I am a leader, an innovator, a student, an artist, and a friend. I participate in my community, industry, and family. I owe it to the people around me that I love and respect to be the best that I can be.

    One step defines your day. One choice defines your future.

    Take the time to take care of yourself.

    There is a reason the flight attendant says to put on your oxygen masks before attempting to help others.

    You can’t help others if you can’t breathe!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • Bridges to Tomorrow

    Bridges to Tomorrow

    Sometimes the bridges with the least risk are the hardest to cross. There is no rushing torrent beneath it to sweep us away if we lose our footing. It is neither too tall to scale nor too long to travel. It is simply a break in the path and yet we avoid it at all cost. Perhaps it is the simplicity we avoid.

    It is our nature as humans to assume that “decisions” must be labored over, mulled, and examined. That things or results that you desire must be earned.

    Let me remind you that there is already a plan:

     Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

    For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

    If you are struggling with a “decision”, then understand that the struggle is man-made. Continue your walk, sometimes the path is the soft earth beneath your feet, other times it’s a smooth paved surface and every now and again it’s small planks to keep you on an even keel. The goal is to keep moving forward. New experiences are just around the bend.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2021

  • I got this!

    I got this!

    Confidence doesn’t just happen. It comes about from challenging our comfort zones and expanding our awareness. Confidence is the manifest expression of knowledge. The KNOWING of who YOU are.

    Knowledge is power…let me say that again. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

    In this devisive time, many have shut out any chance of expanding their knowledge. They are standing firm in a stagnant state of protecting what they already know and guarding it with hate, judgement and intolerance. They have shut their eyes and ears to any new levels of learning, caring or forgiveness. Any confidence they had is eroding and fear takes it’s place.

    Fear is no more than a lack of confidence or FAITH. Have faith that this too will pass. Have faith that God knows what is happening in the world and He has given you a choice on how YOU will respond to it. Many say that it has gone to far. That it is impossible to forgive, embrace or love past this time.

    I challenge you with the KNOWLEDGE that it is not. It is never too late to learn to forgive, embrace and love. Acknowledge – ACT IN KNOWLEDGE that it starts in and with YOU. The responsibility to make this a better world starts with YOU. YOU GOT THIS!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Share with your neighbor…

    Share with your neighbor…

    Yes, even THAT guy.

    It takes so little energy to be kind to man or beast. When you commit to being KIND, you cannot put stipulations on it. You can’t say, “I’ll only be kind to people I know”, or “I’ll only be kind to people in my neighborhood, or church or school”. To truly embrace KINDNESS you have to extend that kindness beyond your comfort zones.

    I was delighted to see PePe LePew last night dining on my deck as he doesn’t show up very often. I snapped his picture and posted it on Facebook to annouce we had a new feral “Kitty” at the diner! Several people immediately warned me of the dangers of skunks. They are nasty, he’s gonna spray your deck, your house is gonna smell!!! The sky is falling!!!!

    None of that happened. But it reminded me that there are preconcieved notions about everything and everyone. I actually sat beside the glass door and watched him eat and my cats joined me and we chatted with Pepe while he ate. He acknowledged us with a nod and a glance now and then. And when he had his fill he waddled off into the night. He might be back tonight with the standard rotation of raccoons, possums and feral cats and he may not. But that’s okay.

    Don’t ration your kindness. Don’t ration your peace, your forgiveness, your joy, your love. SPREAD IT AROUND UNCONDITIONALLY!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Pass it on!

    Pass it on!

    To be able to recieve you must be able to give. It is a cycle, a circle that must be completed to continue to spin.

    We have been conditioned to think that giving is noble…and it is. Remember the old saying , “It’s is better to give than to recieve”, remember that? I heard it all my life, but it’s not true. It is an incomplete transaction. Allowing others to give to us challenges the shakey ground of worthiness that we all stand on. And God forbid you actually ASK for help. The thought is mortifying to many. But we encourage people all the time by saying “just let me know if you need anything”.

    Allowing others to give to you IS an act of giving. You are allowing someone else, or GIFTING THEM, with the ability to give. To complete the circle and keep it going you must accept this gift . That is not to say you must exchange the kindness with the same person who gifted you. You may recieve a compliment today from a stranger in passing. Pass that compliment on . Gift another person with a compliment.

    Sometimes it’s a simple encouragement that lifts your spirit. Pass that encouragement on. Don’t hold onto it. SHARE IT.

    It’s amazing how much love and peace you can share in a day. Now just think about how powerful that is coming right back at cha.

    YOU GOT THIS!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • A New “NOW”…

    A New “NOW”…

    Come dance upon the power lines between the stars. Visit them a while. Linger to enjoy, then, take the hand of your angel into the new “NOW”.

    Hede Marker 1989

    Many of us are quilty of living either in the past or waiting for the “right time” in the future. NOW is not new, it is constant, yet living in the NOW still seems to elude many.

    We are living in a time of turmoil. It’s easy to pine for the “good ole days” or project to “bettere times” in the future. However, we are in a time when it is easier to scream in a rage, to fight back in the conscious of man’s fighting back than to follow the direction of the Spirit. These are the times that God asks you to express in faith, to be respectful of yourself, your actions and everything you hold dear in the Universe.

    NEED is the mother of all invention. Our need could not be greater. Our divisions could not be wider. We have reduced our fellow man to groups, pegholes, categories and sects. We have stopped seeing the individual and lumped them into “THEM, THEY and THOSE PEOPLE.

    HUMANITY has no groups, no sects, no theology …no them, they and those. Just US and WE….ME and YOU.

    Make the conscious effort to embrace humanity and envision it with light and love, moving in and through you. Dance with Peace as your partner. Sway to a tune of understanding, compassion and empathy.

    DANCE NOW…LIVE NOW… LOVE NOW.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020